What goes unsaid: Scene 1

A friend recently told me about a bumper sticker she’d seen: “What is it that you pretend to not know?”

What is it that you aren’t saying to your partner? What is the excuse that you hide behind? “He’ll be hurt”. “She won’t understand it.” “It’s not a big deal, really.” And what happens inside you when you come up to the edge of that lie, that omission?
Are you willing to lose what you love by not risking being open and honest? Sure, you’ll feel vulnerable, nervous. But the rewards are usually worth the risk.

What can be very damaging to a relationship is to not talk about some things. This post & the next two will look at different versions of not disclosing. This first example is how damaging it can be to hold a secret.

Sarah was stunned when she found out that Paul was tens of thousands of dollars in debt that he accrued prior to commencing their relationship and their subsequent marriage.
Paul was so ashamed of this debt: a failed business venture, costs charged to credit cards, and a lingering depression that affected his communication with the credit companies which had made the debt, and his shame, worsen. Sarah found out about it when a credit application she filed was denied.
The crisis that this secret precipitated was not the debt itself – it was about Paul’s dishonesty in not admitting it to Sarah as things became more committed in their relationship. After they moved into Sarah’s home, Paul was able to keep his debt a secret, vowing to himself that he would get it cleared up. He "believed" that Sarah would never “need” to know about it. Paul had, in fact, started to get it paid down, making timely monthly payments. She found out only when she was denied a credit account.
While Paul felt relief in “finally getting that out into the open,” Sarah wondered if she’d ever be able to trust Paul again. She thought that he’d told her “everything” as they courted, and now she wondered what else lurked in Paul’s shadows. Paul’s assurances fell on deaf ears, initially.
Over time, Paul & Sarah were able to repair this rift. Paul opened up all of his financial records to Sarah, accelerated the payment on his debt & retired it, and Sarah was able to reach a compassionate spot about Paul’s shame. Had Sarah not been able to reach into her own library of shame and join Paul empathically, this healing would probably not have happened. To achieve good attachment with each other, Paul needed to know that Sarah could love him despite knowing the most hidden parts of him. Sarah needed to truly understand, from her own experience, how disabling shame can be. With this work, their commitment to each other became deeper & more trusting.

So, what is it you pretend not to know? What do you pretend she doesn't need to know?