What goes unsaid: Scene 1

A friend recently told me about a bumper sticker she’d seen: “What is it that you pretend to not know?”

What is it that you aren’t saying to your partner? What is the excuse that you hide behind? “He’ll be hurt”. “She won’t understand it.” “It’s not a big deal, really.” And what happens inside you when you come up to the edge of that lie, that omission?
Are you willing to lose what you love by not risking being open and honest? Sure, you’ll feel vulnerable, nervous. But the rewards are usually worth the risk.

What can be very damaging to a relationship is to not talk about some things. This post & the next two will look at different versions of not disclosing. This first example is how damaging it can be to hold a secret.

Sarah was stunned when she found out that Paul was tens of thousands of dollars in debt that he accrued prior to commencing their relationship and their subsequent marriage.
Paul was so ashamed of this debt: a failed business venture, costs charged to credit cards, and a lingering depression that affected his communication with the credit companies which had made the debt, and his shame, worsen. Sarah found out about it when a credit application she filed was denied.
The crisis that this secret precipitated was not the debt itself – it was about Paul’s dishonesty in not admitting it to Sarah as things became more committed in their relationship. After they moved into Sarah’s home, Paul was able to keep his debt a secret, vowing to himself that he would get it cleared up. He "believed" that Sarah would never “need” to know about it. Paul had, in fact, started to get it paid down, making timely monthly payments. She found out only when she was denied a credit account.
While Paul felt relief in “finally getting that out into the open,” Sarah wondered if she’d ever be able to trust Paul again. She thought that he’d told her “everything” as they courted, and now she wondered what else lurked in Paul’s shadows. Paul’s assurances fell on deaf ears, initially.
Over time, Paul & Sarah were able to repair this rift. Paul opened up all of his financial records to Sarah, accelerated the payment on his debt & retired it, and Sarah was able to reach a compassionate spot about Paul’s shame. Had Sarah not been able to reach into her own library of shame and join Paul empathically, this healing would probably not have happened. To achieve good attachment with each other, Paul needed to know that Sarah could love him despite knowing the most hidden parts of him. Sarah needed to truly understand, from her own experience, how disabling shame can be. With this work, their commitment to each other became deeper & more trusting.

So, what is it you pretend not to know? What do you pretend she doesn't need to know?

Social Networking: how has it changed your relationships?

I've been having fascinating conversations with people about social networking.

A few weeks ago, I spent the morning with a friend's ex & son. At some point, I heard the ex report to the son that they needed to return home on time because "you and your Mom are going out on a boat or something."

Later that night, I saw photos posted from the boat trip: a bunch of my good friends,including the friend & her son, the get together posted that morning on FB as a spontaneous activity.

I admit. I don't like feeling "left out." 10 years ago (heck, 2 years ago!) I could have a party, include some friends, exclude others, & there would be no splashback. Not now - we have access to who's doing what at almost any time - whether by direct evidence or extrapolation.

So I ask -- how has social networking affected YOUR life?

Shifts

Today I met with Judy Winslow (http://brightpointeinfo.com/) to talk about, well, all kinds of things.

What I know, what I enjoy doing with my time, where my passions lie.

Where some of my resistances lie.

These past 18 months have been difficult for me, in many ways. My coffee business, METRO Coffee & Wine closed in early Feb, 2008. I had foot surgery after that, then a deconstruction accident (home demolition!) that set me back. Just when I was getting back on my feet again (literally) my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, in September.

Mom died in January of this year -- her death was complicated by a difficult family situation, and my grieving has been just as complicated. Today's big truth for me was - not that I failed to protect her, but that I don't know that she "forgives" me for that. I wanted to take a quick trip to the afterlife to talk to her, to get her assurance.

The shift is that, at some level, I know that Mom, in an omniscient state, understands all that preceded her death; & I am certain that if she could communicate with me, she would make sure that I need not ask her forgiveness - that she loves me & that I did all I could. The shift is for me to forgive myself, forgive the other actors in this family drama, and move on with grace.