While walking in a light rain while on retreat recently, this koan emerged:
Sometimes it rains.
Sometimes rain drips from trees.
Buddhamind stays dry.
We often talk, in our groups, about life's circumstances being like weather - that various weather patterns will travel across the background of a vast, clear sky. We can forget that the sky above is clear, if we focus on the storms themselves.
And memories can be experienced emotionally as if they're occurring now (as rain drips from the trees).
Can we maintain our faith and equanimity in the face of whatever storms life presents?
Monday, August 1, 2011
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Beginner's Mind and Inmate's Mind
Beginner’s Mind and Inmate’s Mind
Seeker, after climbing to top of mountain to speak with Zen master: “Please Master, tell me what is the meaning of life?”
Zen Master: “Don’t know.”
Seeker, after absorbing that: “are you saying to “not know” or that you don’t know?”
Zen Master: “yes.”
I have long been fascinated with the concept of Beginner’s Mind. I have read and re-read countless times Suzuki Roshi’s book, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. The title itself is, if not a sort of koan, at least a mantra for a way of being in life.
At the time I joined the staff of The Wellness Community of Southwest Florida, facilitators were required to spend a week in training at the Santa Monica “home” facility. Before going, our Program Director, John, advised me to go in with “Beginner’s Mind” and I would get along just fine. At the time, I took this to mean “act like you know nothing.” While that strategy somehow worked (I was approved as a facilitator & worked at our Community for about 9 years), it isn’t a reflection of true beginner’s mind.
Here’s a way to get at “beginner’s mind.” Let’s look at “inmate’s mind” and see what’s on the other side.
This is adapted from John Tarrant’s brilliant little book on Zen koans, Bring Me the Rhinoceros. Adapted, because where he uses the word, “koan,” I am going to substitute “this work” – which can refer to any change process that you are in, including regular meditation, psychotherapy, retreats . . .
So, with apologies to Roshi Tarrant, here goes:
“This work relies on uncertainty as a path to happiness. If you set off after happiness thinking you know what you need, you will always end up with something that meets that need. The problem here is that when you are unhappy, it is as if you are in prison, and in that narrow cell you think of happiness with an inmate’s mind. You might imagine a more comfy cell, consider painting the walls a nicer color – rose, perhaps – and getting a new sofa. This work doesn’t support interior decoration projects. It demolishes the walls.”
It demolishes the walls. Imagine that. On the other side? The freedom of “beginner’s mind.” When all of our perceptions, attitudes, judgments, beliefs get blown away, by the power of a koan or though the moments of blazing clarity that come usually with our deepest suffering, or our greatest moments of courageous abandonment of the “self” we thought was “real” – then we are left with an empty cup, eagerly seeking for it to be filled.
Maintaining “beginner’s mind” is the work of mindfulness practice.
Today I went for a walk. I don’t need to go anywhere special to walk – my neighborhood and yours are filled with walkable spaces. Bored, you say?
Today, the wind blustered in from the south, the sky was filled with clouds and grayish light. Yesterday, slightly breezy, the sun beat down on the same path.
Today, the upswept leaves tumbled to greet me on my southbound path and raced me as I traveled north. Yesterday the leaves rested.
Today, many creaky sounds behind me might announce a bike about to pass or branches rubbing together (there were few bikes!). Yesterday my path was filled with friendly bikers and each bell was actually announcing the passing of a bike.
As I walked today, in and out of present moment awareness, a raindrop hit my chin – a mindfulness bell announcing a change in my environment. Was it the first drop around me? This I know – that I don’t know.
That single, not solitary, raindrop returns me to beginner’s mind – to this walk, to this raindrop, to this temperature, to this body – always different, always new.
Seeker, after climbing to top of mountain to speak with Zen master: “Please Master, tell me what is the meaning of life?”
Zen Master: “Don’t know.”
Seeker, after absorbing that: “are you saying to “not know” or that you don’t know?”
Zen Master: “yes.”
I have long been fascinated with the concept of Beginner’s Mind. I have read and re-read countless times Suzuki Roshi’s book, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. The title itself is, if not a sort of koan, at least a mantra for a way of being in life.
At the time I joined the staff of The Wellness Community of Southwest Florida, facilitators were required to spend a week in training at the Santa Monica “home” facility. Before going, our Program Director, John, advised me to go in with “Beginner’s Mind” and I would get along just fine. At the time, I took this to mean “act like you know nothing.” While that strategy somehow worked (I was approved as a facilitator & worked at our Community for about 9 years), it isn’t a reflection of true beginner’s mind.
Here’s a way to get at “beginner’s mind.” Let’s look at “inmate’s mind” and see what’s on the other side.
This is adapted from John Tarrant’s brilliant little book on Zen koans, Bring Me the Rhinoceros. Adapted, because where he uses the word, “koan,” I am going to substitute “this work” – which can refer to any change process that you are in, including regular meditation, psychotherapy, retreats . . .
So, with apologies to Roshi Tarrant, here goes:
“This work relies on uncertainty as a path to happiness. If you set off after happiness thinking you know what you need, you will always end up with something that meets that need. The problem here is that when you are unhappy, it is as if you are in prison, and in that narrow cell you think of happiness with an inmate’s mind. You might imagine a more comfy cell, consider painting the walls a nicer color – rose, perhaps – and getting a new sofa. This work doesn’t support interior decoration projects. It demolishes the walls.”
It demolishes the walls. Imagine that. On the other side? The freedom of “beginner’s mind.” When all of our perceptions, attitudes, judgments, beliefs get blown away, by the power of a koan or though the moments of blazing clarity that come usually with our deepest suffering, or our greatest moments of courageous abandonment of the “self” we thought was “real” – then we are left with an empty cup, eagerly seeking for it to be filled.
Maintaining “beginner’s mind” is the work of mindfulness practice.
Today I went for a walk. I don’t need to go anywhere special to walk – my neighborhood and yours are filled with walkable spaces. Bored, you say?
Today, the wind blustered in from the south, the sky was filled with clouds and grayish light. Yesterday, slightly breezy, the sun beat down on the same path.
Today, the upswept leaves tumbled to greet me on my southbound path and raced me as I traveled north. Yesterday the leaves rested.
Today, many creaky sounds behind me might announce a bike about to pass or branches rubbing together (there were few bikes!). Yesterday my path was filled with friendly bikers and each bell was actually announcing the passing of a bike.
As I walked today, in and out of present moment awareness, a raindrop hit my chin – a mindfulness bell announcing a change in my environment. Was it the first drop around me? This I know – that I don’t know.
That single, not solitary, raindrop returns me to beginner’s mind – to this walk, to this raindrop, to this temperature, to this body – always different, always new.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
What goes unsaid: Scene 1
A friend recently told me about a bumper sticker she’d seen: “What is it that you pretend to not know?”
What is it that you aren’t saying to your partner? What is the excuse that you hide behind? “He’ll be hurt”. “She won’t understand it.” “It’s not a big deal, really.” And what happens inside you when you come up to the edge of that lie, that omission?
Are you willing to lose what you love by not risking being open and honest? Sure, you’ll feel vulnerable, nervous. But the rewards are usually worth the risk.
What can be very damaging to a relationship is to not talk about some things. This post & the next two will look at different versions of not disclosing. This first example is how damaging it can be to hold a secret.
Sarah was stunned when she found out that Paul was tens of thousands of dollars in debt that he accrued prior to commencing their relationship and their subsequent marriage.
Paul was so ashamed of this debt: a failed business venture, costs charged to credit cards, and a lingering depression that affected his communication with the credit companies which had made the debt, and his shame, worsen. Sarah found out about it when a credit application she filed was denied.
The crisis that this secret precipitated was not the debt itself – it was about Paul’s dishonesty in not admitting it to Sarah as things became more committed in their relationship. After they moved into Sarah’s home, Paul was able to keep his debt a secret, vowing to himself that he would get it cleared up. He "believed" that Sarah would never “need” to know about it. Paul had, in fact, started to get it paid down, making timely monthly payments. She found out only when she was denied a credit account.
While Paul felt relief in “finally getting that out into the open,” Sarah wondered if she’d ever be able to trust Paul again. She thought that he’d told her “everything” as they courted, and now she wondered what else lurked in Paul’s shadows. Paul’s assurances fell on deaf ears, initially.
Over time, Paul & Sarah were able to repair this rift. Paul opened up all of his financial records to Sarah, accelerated the payment on his debt & retired it, and Sarah was able to reach a compassionate spot about Paul’s shame. Had Sarah not been able to reach into her own library of shame and join Paul empathically, this healing would probably not have happened. To achieve good attachment with each other, Paul needed to know that Sarah could love him despite knowing the most hidden parts of him. Sarah needed to truly understand, from her own experience, how disabling shame can be. With this work, their commitment to each other became deeper & more trusting.
So, what is it you pretend not to know? What do you pretend she doesn't need to know?
What is it that you aren’t saying to your partner? What is the excuse that you hide behind? “He’ll be hurt”. “She won’t understand it.” “It’s not a big deal, really.” And what happens inside you when you come up to the edge of that lie, that omission?
Are you willing to lose what you love by not risking being open and honest? Sure, you’ll feel vulnerable, nervous. But the rewards are usually worth the risk.
What can be very damaging to a relationship is to not talk about some things. This post & the next two will look at different versions of not disclosing. This first example is how damaging it can be to hold a secret.
Sarah was stunned when she found out that Paul was tens of thousands of dollars in debt that he accrued prior to commencing their relationship and their subsequent marriage.
Paul was so ashamed of this debt: a failed business venture, costs charged to credit cards, and a lingering depression that affected his communication with the credit companies which had made the debt, and his shame, worsen. Sarah found out about it when a credit application she filed was denied.
The crisis that this secret precipitated was not the debt itself – it was about Paul’s dishonesty in not admitting it to Sarah as things became more committed in their relationship. After they moved into Sarah’s home, Paul was able to keep his debt a secret, vowing to himself that he would get it cleared up. He "believed" that Sarah would never “need” to know about it. Paul had, in fact, started to get it paid down, making timely monthly payments. She found out only when she was denied a credit account.
While Paul felt relief in “finally getting that out into the open,” Sarah wondered if she’d ever be able to trust Paul again. She thought that he’d told her “everything” as they courted, and now she wondered what else lurked in Paul’s shadows. Paul’s assurances fell on deaf ears, initially.
Over time, Paul & Sarah were able to repair this rift. Paul opened up all of his financial records to Sarah, accelerated the payment on his debt & retired it, and Sarah was able to reach a compassionate spot about Paul’s shame. Had Sarah not been able to reach into her own library of shame and join Paul empathically, this healing would probably not have happened. To achieve good attachment with each other, Paul needed to know that Sarah could love him despite knowing the most hidden parts of him. Sarah needed to truly understand, from her own experience, how disabling shame can be. With this work, their commitment to each other became deeper & more trusting.
So, what is it you pretend not to know? What do you pretend she doesn't need to know?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Social Networking: how has it changed your relationships?
I've been having fascinating conversations with people about social networking.
A few weeks ago, I spent the morning with a friend's ex & son. At some point, I heard the ex report to the son that they needed to return home on time because "you and your Mom are going out on a boat or something."
Later that night, I saw photos posted from the boat trip: a bunch of my good friends,including the friend & her son, the get together posted that morning on FB as a spontaneous activity.
I admit. I don't like feeling "left out." 10 years ago (heck, 2 years ago!) I could have a party, include some friends, exclude others, & there would be no splashback. Not now - we have access to who's doing what at almost any time - whether by direct evidence or extrapolation.
So I ask -- how has social networking affected YOUR life?
A few weeks ago, I spent the morning with a friend's ex & son. At some point, I heard the ex report to the son that they needed to return home on time because "you and your Mom are going out on a boat or something."
Later that night, I saw photos posted from the boat trip: a bunch of my good friends,including the friend & her son, the get together posted that morning on FB as a spontaneous activity.
I admit. I don't like feeling "left out." 10 years ago (heck, 2 years ago!) I could have a party, include some friends, exclude others, & there would be no splashback. Not now - we have access to who's doing what at almost any time - whether by direct evidence or extrapolation.
So I ask -- how has social networking affected YOUR life?
Monday, July 6, 2009
Shifts
Today I met with Judy Winslow (http://brightpointeinfo.com/) to talk about, well, all kinds of things.
What I know, what I enjoy doing with my time, where my passions lie.
Where some of my resistances lie.
These past 18 months have been difficult for me, in many ways. My coffee business, METRO Coffee & Wine closed in early Feb, 2008. I had foot surgery after that, then a deconstruction accident (home demolition!) that set me back. Just when I was getting back on my feet again (literally) my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, in September.
Mom died in January of this year -- her death was complicated by a difficult family situation, and my grieving has been just as complicated. Today's big truth for me was - not that I failed to protect her, but that I don't know that she "forgives" me for that. I wanted to take a quick trip to the afterlife to talk to her, to get her assurance.
The shift is that, at some level, I know that Mom, in an omniscient state, understands all that preceded her death; & I am certain that if she could communicate with me, she would make sure that I need not ask her forgiveness - that she loves me & that I did all I could. The shift is for me to forgive myself, forgive the other actors in this family drama, and move on with grace.
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